“You know what would be funny?” is a sentence that has gotten me into more interesting situations than I can count. “You know what would be funny? If we duct tape the guitar player in the opening band and throw him out of the venue.” “You know what would be funny? If we hid Calico's skirt so she had to go on stage in her underwear" But the crowning jewel in the “You know what would be funny?” crown came one rainy night in…Russia.
After a harrowing plane flight, which I will get into later, the band, my dad and I sat, exhausted in a dark restaraunt eating moose or some kind of cloven-hoofed animal. We were discussing how much fun we were having with The Scorpions on this tour, and were of course plotting some hijinx for the last show. For those of you that don’t know, it is customary to mess with the bands you are playing with on the last show of a tour. And in keeping with tradition, we were plotting a doozy for the Scorps, though we decided to do it on the next to last night in Krasnoyarsk, rather than the final night in Moscow, because, well, it's better not to do embarrassing things on purpose in major capital cities like Moscow. “What if we covered the drums in baby powder?” Nah,…been done. “What if we put big rolls of duct tape sticky side up all over the stage?” No….thats too predictable. Then, the man himself piped in… “You know what would be funny?” Alice said. “If we dressed in drag and replaced the dancing girls they have on stage.” A long contemplative pause passed as we all imagined how horrible the guy sitting next to us would look as a woman. We had no idea how serious he was.
The next morning I woke to my dad raring to go out shopping. Which is nothing unusual, save the fact that all the places he wanted to go were cheap womens clothing stores. It wasn’t until he bought 5 sequin neon bras that I realized what he was up to. We were gonna go thru with it! He was serious! Tonight, the Scorpions would behold a terror unspeakable.
When we arrived at the gig and I unloaded 2 trashbags of campy lingerie onto the band's dressing room floor, they just stared at me blankly. I then had to explain to them that Alice was NOT kidding, they WOULD be dressing up in drag and shaking their groove things, so they better pick out something that flattered them. At least I knew I would look good!
After our show, we toweled off and made our way back to the dressing rooms and ran smack dab into Klaus Meine and Rudolph Schenker. “Are you sticking around for our show?” Klaus said with a big smile. “We were thinking about it…” I smiled. Back to the untouched pile of cheap underwear and feather boas in our dressing room, we tore into them like a bunch of kindegarteners in a toy shop. Not a single one knowing which way to pull on a skirt, or the foggiest how to fasten a bra. Of course they all knew how to pull a skirt OFF or UNfasten a bra. And don’t get me started on the makeup… they made Tammy Faye Bakker look like a beginner. Once they all suited up, it made me realize why not just any ol’ boy can be a drag queen. DeGrasso looked like a busted Pam Anderson, Alice looked like a nightmare version of Jodi Foster in Taxi Driver, Chuck looked like Liberace, and Damon, despite his best efforts, still looked like James Martin of Faith No More in a dress. But what really put the night over the edge was Keri. Not only was he squeezed into my size 4 little black cocktail dress, but he looked DAMN GOOD in it! As a matter of fact, he still has not given it back!
So the moment of truth had arrived, and in a very Rolling Stones way we slipped silently into runner vans and made our way to the stage. “ON THREE!!” Chuck yelled “one….two…THREE!!!” We exploded out of the van and ran on stage.
The moral of the story, we tore it up!!!! Let me tell you, these boys have got some serious moves. I have never seen the running man, the sprinkler, or the electric slide executed so precisely. The guys in the Scorpions were doubled over laughing, and I couldn't help but have a moment of gratitude that THIS is my life.
We blew kisses, batted our eyelashes, and Keri bid the crowd farewell by spinning around, bending over and flashing his American flag panties at the Russian crowd.
In closing, I'm thinking of starting a lingerie line for men that aren’t drag queens….but are curious….
Love calico